~ A Defining and Refining phase of my Journey to my own Utopia ~

...26.5 kilograms, that's over 57pounds of fat loss, if you're pedantic and looking for accuracy LoL!

Today is Day 1 of the beginning of my fifth month into my journey of fitness and health, tripping towards my personal wellness Utopia that has me seeing benefits that I only dreamed of a few months ago.  Who could have imagined I, ME, would survive 115 days without bread and live to tell the tale?  Not a crumb licked off the bread board, not a craving for those inviting coney rolls or French bread....I sometimes think that I am renting body and mind-space from someone else, this is so not me, or am I evolving...?

Some of the most difficult moments for me during this journey, is sitting with an emotion when eating. The emotions vary from fear, worry, anxiety, anger,  stress, and even startlingly, happiness and contentment. Asking myself, am I hungry? What am I hungry for? So many times in a day keeps me in the moment, in today, rather than starting over tomorrow…again.   I’ve found that my emotions really are not as strong as when I try to bury them. They become less powerful when I let them flow out. Usually they are fleeting and normal and I remind myself of that. It’s funny how more vivid life becomes when I just feel....

Through this journey I have realised and continually remind myself that I take responsiblity for my idealistic path to my goals. This is my romanticized view I guess.  To not preach the lifestyle change rhetoric of the must and the should nots. I know it’s not glamorous to hope that I can achieve my goals without the confines of counting and tracking.   There is a part of me that says, how do you think you could relearn to eat and listen to yourself? Why you think you can be healthy and fit without regiment? You must think so much of yourself to want to have peace with food, to eat and not be consumed. To think so highly of yourself to dismiss everything you’ve ever tried to do to lose weight and be fit and healthy.   When I take away all of this over thinking about food, I have more energy to focus on fitness and exercise. The gym and work outs that makes me feel really good.

Here are some of my non-rule rules:

•  Am I hungry?
• Treats are for special occasions, not for the house.
• What do I really want to eat?
•  Am I full?
• Exercise every day.
• Have fun with my family.
• No food guilt. Ignore food and eating plan critics and those who profess to know it all without having experienced being overweight and suffering poor health issues
• Stop mentally calculating and tracking

My weight loss journey in the past was one fraught with conflict.  I liked to pretend that  dieting would transform me into a better person. A newer version of myself. A version of perfection . I always felt, deep down, that a diet would make me a whole person and repair all the issues that I had with my health. I was setting my goals for someone else, someone who isn’t me. Whose life looks nothing like mine, even on the really good days. And therein lay the problem in that when I couldn't change everything quickly, I saw myself as a failure, with  no drive, no will power, no determination.
After years of introspection and reflection and clearing my mind clutter, the lifestyle change process is looking less complicated as I journey to a new me....the stages of this journey are now

• feel the feelings. reflect and write about my experience and feelings
• stop feeling guilty about food
• exercise to feel good

My defining and refining moments through the recent past and in this journey have made me realize that having a control over what I eat and how I exercise is totally up to me.  I enjoy that my food experience is one of discovery and my changing habits are beneficial to me in so many marvelous ways.  I like that I chew my food these days, savoring the flavours and tastes instead of wolfing it down like I did in the past, just to satisfy my hunger or a binge.  I like that I experiment with food preparation, taking the time to plan my next meal, looking for different and inspiring ways to make my meals thoroughly enjoyable and healthy.  I like that I can dictate to a chef when eating out, how I want my food prepared and that when I explain why and how it benefits me, they are actually inspired to make me the best meal yet, without all the processed ingredients that they serve up to their customers.  I like that there are alternatives and options to unhealthy eating and food, that I gladly and willingly gravitate to.  I like the transforming me....

This journey is one of excitement and learning, as I find the new me.  A journey of discovery that will make such a beneficial difference to my well being both mentally and physically.  As I traipse through it, I can only hope that years of bad habits can be unlearned and even though there may be times when I am challenged mentally - that there are no deterrents that will keep me from this voyage of discovery....

Aluta Continua.....