~Adjusting my Bureau - Old habits die hard~

We are creatures of habit. We find comfort in regularity. When something out of the ordinary comes along, forces us to dig deep and make a U-Turn instead of keep going straight, it’s jarring. All of the comfort and familiarity are gone and we’re alone-not quite sure what to do next.....

Indeed,  and being creatures of habit, the need for creature comforts exists.  We all have them.  Next to a favorite food or drink, be it a favorite dog-eared book or a swear-by reference guide that has followed us through the changing years of our lives, a good luck amulet / charm lurking in our dresser drawers that we hurriedly search for in a ramble-scramble kind of way in time when we think that we need its' faux-power to assist us, our favorite coffee or tea mug that we will go to great lengths to wash from a sink of dirty dishes when we are in need of a cuppa; our favorite and only side of the bed we sleep on (even when we sleep in a strange bed, we seek out that exact same side as the home favorite!), those furry and warm bedroom slippers that despite being worn out through many many washes and many walking hours, remain sought after.  And the greatest creature comfort in my life is my favorite pair of pjs and sleep-shirt!

The crazy weather patterns of late  in Johannesburg, which should see Summer in all its' splendour,  has made it necessary some nights to go in search of this small (or if we're talking size, then XXL!) but important material comfort that would aid in a good nights sleep, after a refreshingly hot luxurious bath-soak or shower,  to settle snug under the covers.

The other evening was a particular case in point where I was required to seek out my old creature comforts, which is a natural reach-out that I have been accustomed to over the years.  I looked into my chest of drawers (bureau) and felt and smelled the soft-just-washed-freshness of my freshly laundered old faithful and comfortable pjs and imagined a slumber par excellence. There was a problem with imagination though, in that, reality harshly stripped away all thoughts of pleasurable comfort in one fitting.  My double extra large pj bottoms fell to the floor as I attempted to wear them.  The pj top dangled over my smaller frame.  I felt diminutive in them, much like Jack, in the Jack and the Beanstalk fairy tale, when he encountered the giant!  The stark reality that in four months I had gone from a double extra large to a medium struck me like a gust of a thousand winds.  My weeks of frenetic, impulsively excited shopping for new garb to fit my altering body, were wasteful to say the least, all the large sizes blouses and tops are now too large and those that still have their price tags attached will be returned to the stores where they were purchased - for smaller sizes.

So with that realisation, I decided on a closet clean out, my fat (ter) clothes were all slowly removed from their hanging and packing spaces and transferred into bin disposal bags, ready for handing over to some fortunate needy soul who will love them as much as I did and wear them with pride.  I have kept reminders though, from my favourite Queenspark ensemble that I wore once, to the flea market 3XL top  that was my default Saturday top, including the matching cropped pants that went with it.  Some old habits die hard....

So this creature of habit had her jarring moment, indeed the out of the ordinary "something" has come along, living in the moment is opening up so many opportunities that were somehow locked away with the me being shackled by years of excess weight.  And while I continue to discover by peeling away the layers of fat that covered me in the past, I find it increasingly difficult to accept the new ME as the real ME....I keep looking in mirrors when I walk past them (no only at home!) and really looking at my new face and new body - eventually I suppose I must get used to it. My mind seems to be lagging behind my body...

I realise that, that fat girl is still inside of me... still part of me... I strongly identify with her.  But can never allow her to come back because she's not healthy. She played a very important role - she showed me what I never want to be again and what I will never do to myself again. In a way I feel she is haunting me still.  She was my identity. I carved out my personality, my niche, because of her!

Now that I'm not as overweight...who am I?   Who is that person in the mirror? I can't help but stop and look at myself sometimes, wondering if I'm about to wake up from a cruel dream or something?

In many ways I am the same person, but in so many ways I am not. I feel like I have to figure out who I am all over again.....

Aluta Continua....