One of my favourite work out tunes,[I never contemplated the words work out 365 days ago! and these amazing two words, my in-my-ears training music motivator - which never held meaning before, rule my gym days now] (next to Ellie Goulding's Burn!) that goes on repeat and maximum volume through my sweats, sung by Agnes
"Release me
Release my body
I know it's wrong
So why do I keep coming back
I say release me
'Cause I'm not able to
Convince myself
That I'm better off without you"
which read, not in the context of the entire song, but the chorus, describes my tumultuous pains at being overweight over the years, and those very words reverberate through my body and mind, each time I work out to it...the only meaning I see in those words is one of release, begging my mind and body to unshackle me from the years of slavery - slavery to food, slavery to obesity, slavery to chronic illness, better off without the fat shackles, and I believe that I am winning this battle with my progress over this past year. This song will always hold special meaning for me and remain my inspiring workout tune.
In many ways I have mourned the loss of the old physical me, each week of the past 52 has had an element of mourning my losses...and it's this very mourning that has allowed me to release the former larger than life size me. Accepting that I have changed in the way I look has only come full circle in the recent past 4-6 weeks. I accept that it will always be a psychological pondering for me and I am sure for many others that have experienced release through weight loss that has changed their physical appearance. At heart I remain very much the old me, just wiser in my health choices. The past year has also seen my family mourning the loss of two female family members to the dreaded C, within 6 months of each other - further sealing my resolve to start living (a healthier life). My insulin dependent diabetes and hypertension reversal through best food choices and exercise, remains my proudest achievement, besides the wonderment of birthing my two sons, to date.
I celebrated 46 years of my life yesterday, a life gifted to me by my dear parents and our Creator...and like my husband says, I look svelte and demonstrate enthusiasm and activity levels of someone who is 22 - hahahahaha! I seriously feel 22 though,not sure of being svelte - having horribly misspent my youth and at 22 I was indeed horribly obese. So the opportunity to revisit age 22 at age 46 is an exciting one!
Taking time out to find myself....with and without the approval of many but that which mattered most, and all that was required, was MY approval, has been an year in re-education on a plethora of platforms. Negativity has been both tangible and intangible, subtle and not so subtle. Some my own, some by others I have encountered through this journey. Hurtful and sarcastic comments by many have only strengthened me as a person. In my thoughts, I sent those comments back to where they came from and always reinforced my thinking that I am better and bigger than all that negativity. Of course, it has not always been this way - I vented my anger, frustrations and hurt on my family, shed many howls and tears, and they have borne all this and more, even if it confused and hurt them, I think they realised that my journey, being the publicly shared one that it has been, allows for some of the harsh, public realities. My dear sister, who is a wealth of wisdom through her lifes' journey recently said to me, "if you invite negativity into your life, then obviously you will be negative" - how true is statement is! I am indeed thankful I have wisdom of this kind so very close to me!
Eating out, whether in a restaurant or as a guest in someone's home has always been a challenge for me and has made me bold in questioning my host "what is in that, or can you tell me how you made it and the ingredients you used? Do you have the packaging it came in?" I often felt like the snooping contestant in come dine with me!!! Until I decided to plan and prepare ahead and take my own food along - it's happened in a restaurant too - that piece of grilled fish or chicken sneaked in to add to my salad!! Some may think it's extreme, but when your outlook and understanding of the additives in prepared and processed food is on high alert, the thoughts of others don't matter at all coupled with the lack of eateries that cater for special needs. It can be considered breaking the rules, but whose rules are those really? I create my own that works for me as I progress into finding me and reaching a place of being comfortable with my food choices and that which I put into my body.
That I have inspired and motivated so many others through my food blog has been a motivating part of my journey for me too - I adapted the meals I grew up with and many out of my proud Indian heritage and made them work for me with alternative ingredients...the feedback from those who have tried them and enjoyed them too, has been inspiring and a lesson that a lifestyle change is as boring or exciting as you allow it to be but, it is so effortless to adapt an ordinary recipe if you are serious about a lifestyle change.
The physical changes over the past year include, but are not limited to:
- A refined facial structure -is this me?
- Visible collar bones!!!! It feels like I never had them all my life!
- Smaller, slimmer feet
- A much-reduced and defined breast and waist size
- smaller, defined, petit wrists - I can wear any wrist-watch proudly!
- visible and easy to find veins - gosh this is my best change as the medical interventions made finding my veins so so difficult and caused me such pain
- losing the spare midriff tyre and huge amounts of back fat that plague those struggling with weight loss
- dropping 14 clothes sizes which saw me going from a size 44/46 back then to a size 32/34 currently
- And off course, a huge amount of fat loss -which I don't want back thankyouverymuch!
Words can never be plentiful to thank the many acquaintances and friends I have made on and through this journey - for their positive encouragement and support - this has made this lifestyle change so enjoyable and I truly could not have achieved this without it! Thanks also goes out to my many mentors on private and public forums. My heartfelt gratitude goes out to my dear Woman of Substance and Rock of a Mum, who instilled in me that I can do anything I put my mind to, and for always believing in me even when I doubted myself - I am truly blessed to have her in my life, offering unconditional encouragement and reinforcement, daily. My loving family and understanding dear Head Chef, who have borne so much of my dramas but have quietly stood by me each step of the way, need medals for their support. My 9 year old drama-boy, flesh of my flesh, and proudest, staunchest supporter is considering movie rights for his version, in his very own words read and remembered, on the Sleekgeek article banner, of Prava Goes Paleo (I love his brilliant little mind!)
I conclude my years' journey to ME, in what has been an amazing learning curve in my relationship with food and exercise habit changing, and changing my health status for me, unbelievably, by ME - in the words of a favourite oldie song, that topped the British Pop charts in the early 1980s (for years I have roamed in my version of paradise, a lie of a Utopia...), I've been to paradise but I've never been to me.... [Charlene 1976]... And as I mourn and release the old me, I celebrate my achievements, I celebrate ME and I look forward to ME and another year of fine-tuning ME. Yes, it's been a year of no regrets, of commitment and dedication to me, for me, all about ME, MY YEAR, PROUDLY So. Now I move onto to refining me - it's beyond weight loss at this stage in my journey - it's moved on to discovering the newness of me, of appreciating the second chance I have been given through this lifestyle change and it's about loving myself way to much to contemplate reshackling myself in the fat ties that have bound me for what does indeed seem like forever...my health and weight loss Utopia is almost here, I have touched it as it has touched me over the recent past, It is indeed tangible....
As I have deduced 4 months into my journey, it's about living, not existing...
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