~Jumping THAT Hurdle, Taking THAT Plunge~

 

Our lives are shaped by our actions, feelings and thoughts and in turn our identities.  Equally, who we are, I believe, is also passed down through our genes but this informs only a small part of our make up.  Environmental impact and what we acquaint ourselves with through doing and living, brings together the whole of who we are.    At some point in our lives we all encounter a barrier or barriers...., make fear-based decisions and we are often confronted by many incidents of self doubt, allowing  these feelings to dictate our actions, or rather lack of actions.  What is unfortunate about this state of affairs, is that  we often bypass aspects in life that could be beneficial and important to us.

I have experienced so many missed opportunities due to my fears and I often think about how different my life could have been if only I had done that which I had doubted all the time, then!  Over the recent past, I have continually worked at improving my self-image, on both physical and emotional levels...the self-doubt regarding embarking on a journey of health and weight loss uptopia is what has shackled me against advancing or succeeding in that which I desperately sought.  I have always second-guessed my abilities - I think it's natural that most of us do! 

Being overweight, and obese most of my life has always created fear and self-doubt - emotionally and physically.  I recall my high school physical education classes, when I knew that a certain "impossible" exercise or routine was going to be a part of those 35 minutes that would make me uncomfortable or test my endurance and I would get physically ill...often, with the coach taking me home to rest or sending me to the school sick room to lie down - whether it was feigned illness or my actual refusal to participate.  Sometimes I would sit and observe my class mates in envy, wishing I could do that pole vault or jump over the bars of the high jump structure...and while observing them, I may have snacked on a chocolate!!!

This was the pattern of my life - my fears and self-doubt were fueled by my ability to eat and think nothing of what I was doing to my body and mind in the process of using food as a feel-good stimulator.  I guess this progressed into who I was, became my identity so to speak and made everything that was regular in life to healthier, slimmer individuals, impossible for me to do. I believed I could not do it.  Period!

(July) 2013 has been my watershed year, or coming out of my self-doubt so to speak.  I tackled a change in lifestyle a day after turning 45, and with this change, 6 months later, I find that I am in a position to conquer some of my fears and self-doubt which has always closed certain doors for me.  Early in January this year in chats with my family, about looking at ways of improving our family time through activity, the issue of cycling together came up...a huge challenge for me as I had last cycled as a child, on my chopper bicycle back in the day and being overweight over the years, I was never able to get onto a bike and ride.  This has been but a dream for me and more so, after receiving a weight loss reward of a trip to New York City on the 1 year anniversary of the beginning of my journey to a newer me, I wanted the opportunity to ride a bicycle in Central Park...instead of being driven on a horse and carriage or a park buggy.  Putting this into action has been  more difficult than I envisioned - getting onto the bike that was bought for teaching me this skill, has proved very challenging - this said though, I see the changes, from someone who could not ride a bike for at least 30 years to be at a point in my life where I can actually get onto the bike and balance my weight on it, is an amazing feat and the ability to face my fear of cycling - and no, the adage it's like riding a bicycle is most certainly not true....even though I rode as a child, I had unlearned that skill over the years through sheer laziness and fear.  21 January 2014 was the day I got into the saddle of my bicycle and this began a series of interventions that has started the unraveling and the conquering of my fears.

 

A few day before I got onto my bike,  a good friend organized a mini-spa day for us to get together and catch up on our lives - living in different provinces meant we didn't get to enjoy each others' company all that often.  I had visions of a pamper massage while we relaxed and took advantage of the surroundings of the beautiful midlands of Kwazulu Natal.  Those visions were rudely interrupted when a day before we were due to visit the spa, she announced that the treatment at the Spa was for a sauna.  Now for any normal person, this was an opportunity not to be missed, but for me, who has an  unnatural fear of anything remotely associated with fire or heating, following an accident involving fire some 22 years ago, I literally went cold and broke out into sweats - albeit cold ones!  I barely slept that night I recall, had knots in my pit of my stomach and almost pulled out of our Spa date.  I used every available mind resource within my power to make it to the venue the next day, and it was a humid and sweltering 37 degree temperature day outside and I was still having cold sweats.  The therapist was welcoming and put me at ease fairly quickly and my mate was a cool as the proverbial cucumber in ignoring any protest that I uttered.  We entered the sauna and I was sweating buckets before we could get comfortable.  I recalled reading somewhere at some stage that exposing yourself to your fears will set you free....at that stage I felt as caged as a cruelly domesticated bird not let out of that environment during its' caged lifespan!  I also recalled reading that if you could survive 10 minutes and more of facing that fear, you have somewhat succeeded.  Needless to say, I survived the entire 40 minutes and I am so glad I did!  I have since had 2 more sauna experiences which have been thoroughly invigorating - and have been inspired to empty out the book contents of our home sauna and get it working again, which has been done with the help of my husband - a couples sauna  has proved really therapeutic both spiritually and physically to us both.

This past weekend I had cause to hang up curtaining in my sons room which no one wanted to assist me with and getting onto a chair just wouldn't do the trick.  I also have a fear of ladders, I guess this stems from falling off one over 10 years ago, never again to as much as glance of one.  Initially, I asked the same son to hold the ladder for me so that I could get on, but being the hyper kid he is who held for a few seconds and then disappeared, I had no option but to get on myself.  I even secured the bottom on a rubber mat so that the ladder would not slip.  Lo and behold, I got on, progressed onto the third rung and put on the double set of curtains, much to the amazement of myself and my aching arms!

 

I have concluded that my weight loss has had a lot to do with me facing my fears and self-doubt.  I realize that it's not only about my physical health, but also my mental strength.  Those fears that I am working on are not about the actual doing - I think the hardest part was about overcoming the fear of the unknown.  After the first 10-15 minutes of mentally conquering  fears, I could see the effortlessness in them and realized that we can achieve anything we set our minds to!

Fear is a normal part of any major life change. Address this emotion and release it. Keep moving forward by challenging any feelings that cause you to sabotage your weight loss and all that goes with a healthy lifestyle, fears that have, like mine, shackled you forever, and break free from the chains that have bound you and focus on your positive growth.

What challenges will dominate you today?

 

 

Aluta Continua